Demonstration · The Edit
The same clause, before and after.
Anyone can say they write clearly. This page shows it happening on one sentence. Here is a dense, jargon heavy clause, and here is the same meaning rewritten so a person can actually use it. Then every change, one at a time.
small moves turn one sixty nine word sentence into four plain ones. Each move is a habit, not a trick. Hover or tap an underlined phrase to see the edit behind it.
Below is a sentence in the house style of every privacy policy you have scrolled past without reading. I wrote it to be representative of the genre, not to quote anyone. It is grammatical and it is careful. It is also almost unreadable, and that is the problem worth solving.
As written
In order to facilitate the provision of the services contemplated herein, the User hereby acknowledges and agrees that the Company may, at its sole discretion and from time to time, collect, process, and otherwise utilize certain information pertaining to the User's utilization of the platform, including but not limited to data of a personal nature, for purposes that include, without limitation, the optimization and enhancement of the aforementioned services.
Made plain
To provide the service, we collect and use information about how you use the platform. That can include personal information. We use it to make the service better, and we may use it for other reasons too. We can change what we collect at any time.
The plain version is not shorter for its own sake. Every cut takes out something that was standing between the reader and the point. Here is what came out, and why.
The six moves
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Clear the throat
"In order to facilitate the provision of the services contemplated herein"
Eleven words that mean "to provide the service." An opener like this warms up the writer, not the reader. Three words carry all of it, so the other eight go.
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Drop the ritual
"the User hereby acknowledges and agrees that"
Legal throat clearing that tells the reader nothing about what actually happens. Using the service is the agreement. The sentence loses no meaning when this comes out entirely, so it has no replacement above.
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Say when in plain words
"at its sole discretion and from time to time"
This becomes "at any time." Same meaning, half the words, and now a reader actually registers it instead of sliding past.
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Use the everyday word
"collect, process, and otherwise utilize certain information pertaining to the User's utilization of the platform"
"Utilize" and "utilization" are just "use." "Pertaining to" is "about." Three near synonyms, collect and process and utilize, collapse into the two that carry weight: collect and use.
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Name the thing
"including but not limited to data of a personal nature"
"Data of a personal nature" is "personal information." "Including but not limited to" is "including." Say what you mean, then stop.
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Let clarity expose the vagueness
"for purposes that include, without limitation, the optimization and enhancement of the aforementioned services"
Translated plainly, this says "to make the service better, and for anything else we decide." That is worth knowing. A good edit does not bury a thin promise under long words. It surfaces it, so the reader can decide what to do about it.
What the edit is really doing
Every move above answers the same question I ask of any sentence: what does the reader need, and what is just in the way. Plain language is not dumbing down. It is the harder discipline of deciding what you actually mean and then saying that.
It has a side effect worth noticing. Once the long words come off the final clause, you can see that it promises almost nothing. Clear writing does not hide a thin idea. It shows the idea plainly, so a person can decide what to do about it. That is the point of an edit, and it is the same method behind everything else on this site.
Next
Where the same plain-language instinct meets real stakes and real data: the coach's challenge essay.